Camping wasn't all it's cracked up to be. I strolled in to Blue Rocks Campground around 2pm with an EMT, a former Girl Scout leader, and guy that's 25% Lenape Indian and 75% white trash. Don't get me wrong, the day started out great. We set up the tent and I promptly got drunk then headed down to the pool. After that we set up the wood we brought only to have it ooze so much sap that we had to go buy firewood, anyway. Weenies were roasted, stories read, and s'mores with pink marshmallows were consumed and washed down with much, much schnapps. After I was full and drunk I was trucked up the trail to the river of rocks which was horrible getting to because of said fullness and drunkenness, but even worse getting back because it was dark and we passed a bear crossing sign on the way in. Why do they even bother making "bear crossing" signs? They make it look so cute with the big bear and the little cubs following when in actuality it should be a sign of a camper getting his head bitten off next to a picnic basket and just read, "OMGWTF BEARS!!!"



Okay, so the rocks were pretty awesome. That was my favorite part. But shit like that tends to go by the wayside when you have to toss yourself into an outhouse full of spiders while concentrating all your efforts on NOT inhaling or thinking about Friday the 13th part 5 or Sleepaway Camp 2. After sitting around the campfire for a while I decided to head back to the tent to relax on my air mattress with a flashlight and a book but no sooner did I get to the tent flap then I heard a loud WOOSH and turned around asking, "Does anyone else feel like it's about to storm?"



Storm it did. There we were, scrambling to get our gear inside as thunder cracked overhead. We managed to get everything together before the rain, but the wind was howling and we were under a tall tree in an object constructed of metal rods while lightening crashed in the distance. At that point I just grabbed my cell phone and hopped on AIM to see if my boyfriend was on to comfort me. After checking the weather we decided to hop into the TrailBlazer and hide out until the storm was mostly over. I sat there, ticking away at my phone in the dark while all my ideals of relaxing outdoors with a good book burned to the ground.



A half hour later we headed back to the tent, and my half was oddly damp. I managed to climb into bed and cover myself with a CareBears blanket I brought along, thinking it would be more than sufficient for a summer night. At around 2:30am I woke up curled over in horrible stomach pain groaning as I sat up and causing Healr to head out and grab antacids for me. I was freezing cold and too scared to go to sleep because I was afraid I wouldn't wake back up. I wasn't so much shivering as I was having mini convulsions. Eventually it got so pathetic that Healr made me get up while she moved my bed to a drier spot, wrapped me in blankets, and rubbed me to try and get my body to warm up.

Meanwhile, raccoons made their way through our trash bag.

Eventually Healr purposely bored me to sleep with an extremely long-winded tale about a bear. We woke up early to a breakfast of pancakes and spam then cleaned up and got the fuck out of there. In the process of packing, half my shit was unfortunately splashed with water, but nothing was damaged. The last hours at camp were spent squishing through mud while wearing my blanket as a cape. I'm not completely turned off camping, just tent camping. Never again.

Since I did make mention of it, I feel the need to report to you all that yours truly is no longer the most eligible woman on the internet. I've found a wonderful new boyfriend named Myke, and we're bonded very closely by the unnecessary use of y's in our names. We met many weeks ago when he showed up for a meeting to a group I belong to and locked his keys in his car when I swept in and saved the day by pulling out my AAA card and calling them to pop open the door. To give the basics he's into 40K (Warhammer), video games, horror movies, anime, black metal, and has been practicing Kung Fu for several years. He's also the luckiest bastard on the face of the planet, so feel free to issue high-fives and fist bumps.