Dollar Store Pick-Me Up



Lately Fridays have been notoriously long due to work running thin by the end of the week. There's only so much I can do to perk up that won't show up in a piss test. By noon I've already listened to my favorite podcast, Tell 'em Steve-Dave, and I'm hunting for a caffeine jolt to get me through the next few hours. The other Friday I had originally intended to leave the office during lunch for an ice coffee, but instead found myself at a Dollar Tree in downtown Allentown.

The Dollar Tree was heavily traveled for a Friday afternoon, and the clientele were an issue from the moment I set foot in the door. As I was inspecting the Easter display in the front, I heard a frazzled, perplexed older woman asking the cashier in a very accusatory tone if he remembered to hand over her receipt. He told her he did, but she continued to stand there gawking and slowly repeating herself, thereby making everyone in line feel awkward. The store was full of people just like that, particularly in the ointment aisle. Thankfully there wasn't any interesting foaming blue raspberry ointment, so I didn't need to worry about beating down any slow elderly people.



I wasn't quite sure what I was looking for, but it seemed like a great way to kill my lunch break. I hit a few jackpots. The bulk of it is up there. On the far left are diet Dots with Acai. Who knew the secret to weight loss could be obtained for $1 for 24 doses! Now I can save thousands on surgery connecting my mouth directly to my asshole. Bikini season, here I come!

Also on the health aids spectrum we have super hero soap. Specifically, Batman Bubble Gum Blast scented hand soap. There were 2 other scents available, but bubblegum is the go-to generic kid-exclusive scent. However, it's not very creative on incorporating the B-man part. I would have gone with names like "Brooding Bubblegum" or "Scowling Strawberry."

I took several "in action" shots of me using the Epil-Stop hair removal lotion, but I've come to realize that the internet is far better off without seeing my hairy spider veins. You'll just have to take my word that it works pretty poorly unless you want to apply it to your legs three times to get the hair off. The smell is almost worth it, though. Instead of that normal horrid cucumber melon, this lotion comes in a refreshing Margarita Lime. It REALLY smells like margaritas, too!



LOOK AT MY DIRTY FOOT FILTH!!! Yep, we have generic dollar store Kinoki Foot pads. Of course, they couldn't blatantly steal the name, so they ripped off the name next Asian obsession in line  -- Sudoku. Mudoku foot pads are supposed to cleanse your feet while you sleep and rid them of unseen toxins. Or they just turn icky brown overnight. Hell if I know.



Out of the health products and into the candy aisle! This Chocolate Egg Chick looked promising, but disappointed me from here to the 14th dimension on Quipzarf, the planet of saber tooth bullfrogs. The chocolate was marginally acceptable, as is most cheap chocolate or cheap pizza. The chick, however, was like trying to eat a 5 year old wad of gum covered in sugar crystals. Not good sugar crystals, either. Someone took the ancient sugar cubes my 3rd grade teacher kept in the closet to cure hiccups, ground them up, and rolled the chick in that. Then put eyes and a beak made of rocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, I told you all the above to make my last find seem even more awesome than it is. This is the kind of things bored Dollar Store trip dreams are made of.




DINOSAUR HAT! DINOSAUR HAT! DOLLAR DOLLAR DINOSAUR HAT!!!

Granted, I have no idea what species of dino this is, but judging by the teeth I'm sure it's something carnivorous. It's a pretty sweet hat because it's lifelike and not some generic kiddy Barney style dinosaur. You can see the scales and nostrils and everything. I may never wear a baseball cap again. Of course, I never wore them to begin with. But if I did, I would stop, and wear only an array of Dollar Tree dinosaur hats instead.

DINO HAT!


Posted by Mystie at 5/2/2011 7:41 PM
Categories: Adventures
 

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